6 Months Feels LikeYesterday

Today marks 6 months since I’ve hugged my son. 1/2 a year since I’ve heard “I love you too, mama”. It feels like just yesterday I talked to him on the phone and told him how proud I was of him and asked him to check the cows. Six months since I walked in and found my son lying on the floor, no life left in him. Six months since I thought the louder I screamed his name, he may hear me and come back to me. Six months since my world changed forever. I changed that day and I have no clue who I am without Nick because the carefree, witty, road trip jammin, mother of Nick left when he died.

So much has happened in 6 months yet I feel like it was just yesterday we were doing all the things for Nick that we are now doing for Sommer. It hasn’t been a year yet since we visited his college, took his senior pictures, enrolled him in school, found him a house to live in, moved him and planned his graduation party. We are doing all of these for our youngest daughter right now and there are so many emotions that goes along with the feelings of de ja vu. I’m trying so hard to give Sommer a “normal” senior year and do all the things we need to do but in reality, my stomach is always in knots, I’m crying constantly, and I dread doing these things because I was JUST doing these things for Nick and he only made it 1 week in college and then he was gone. I know it’s not rational, but my mind tells me we are doing these things for Sommer and when she leaves us for college, something bad is going to happen to her.

I just ordered graduation invitations for Sommer and I still have Nicks from last May, only 9 months ago, hanging on my refrigerator. I remember last May I was a wreck thinking about Nick leaving me. I kept wondering how I was going to go about my days without my boy around the house making me laugh and eating dinner with us every night. I remember being physically sick for a few months before graduation because I was nervous about how he would do in college and if he would ask for help if he needed it. He was still suffering from learning disabilities from his brain injury a few years before. He suffered from some depression because of that injury too and we talked a lot about the resources he could utilize at school. That whole time as I was preparing him to leave us and was so nervous, I had no idea what was actually in store for him, for us. I had no idea I only had a few months left with my precious, beautiful boy.

This is the tricky part. These irrational fears (or are they? I don’t know anymore) are something I need to give to God because I have absolutely NO control over what happens to Sommer. I have learned the hard way that I have zero control over what happens to me or my children. God has all the control. But God also allowed my son to die, and I had just prayed the week before and gave my son over to Him because I was so anxiety ridden. I know God was with Nick when he died, and I know I may never know what God’s plan was when He allowed this to happen. He may have let it happen to save Nick from something in the future that was about to happen that Nick would not have been able to handle if he were allowed to stay here with us. So, this is where faith comes in and I have to trust God that He had a plan for Nick and he has a plan for Sommer. Boy it’s hard! I have to pray daily for the faith and the strength. Several times a day, actually.

Are you getting ready to send your child off to college? How are you feeling? What are you doing to settle the anxiety?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

Phillippians 4:6