A Different Way Home

I spent this weekend at my sister’s house, a couple of hours south of where I live. I always look forward to that 2-hour drive for a few reasons. Its flat where I live, and I love the hills and the change of scenery the further south I drive. I love the rural surroundings and the small towns I drive through. I love listening to music and singing to my favorite songs. I also love knowing at the end of my 2 hour journey, I will see some of my favorite people. That’s the best part. There are a couple of ways to get to Owensville. I can go one way that takes me through an adorable town called Hermann. Sometimes on my way there or my way back home, I stop by and watch the river for a while. This cute little river town has several wineries, pubs and little shops and so many fun things to do. It’s a curvy drive but its only 2 lanes most of the way so when you get behind someone slow, you are pretty much stuck behind that person and if you know me, I’m not patient when it comes to slow drivers. I’m working on it!

The way I usually go is 4 lanes most of the way, you drive through fewer little towns, and it seems a little easier of a drive to me. One of the few towns you drive through is called Linn, MO. This little town is where Nick went to college for a week last year. We moved him in 2 weeks before school started. He stayed with us at home that following week before school started so he could get things wrapped up around here and that next week, he drove down our driveway to his little house with his 2 roommates with so many plans and goals to conquer. The next week he died. I have avoided this way to and from my sisters since Nick died because the one time I DID drive through it several months ago, I had a complete melt down and had to pull over to calm down. It was too painful.

Today, on my way home from my weekend at my sisters, I chose to drive the Linn way. I wanted to see if I could do it. When I crossed the city limit line, the first thing I saw to my right was the school my boy went to for one week. The school we took him to for the big day of tours and information and then we went back another time, later in the Summer to get him registered. We had so much fun with him planning his future and watching him get excited to venture out on his own. I immediately started sobbing when I saw that school today. A little further down the road, I pulled over to take a look at the little house he lived in for such a short time.

I felt it. The deep, deep sorrow and devastation was physical. It moved up from my stomach to my chest. The pain and the sickness hit so hard, I felt like I had been punched. I sobbed as I looked at that little house where HE SHOULD BE! In a different world, I would have stopped by there to see my beautiful boy on my way home. I would have visited with him and his roommates. Maybe I would have taken him out to eat and then to the store to buy him some groceries and some things he needed just because I would want to save him some money. Instead, I opened my car door and vomited. I closed my car door and screamed at the top of my lungs. I beat my steering wheel and cried so hard that I got an immediate headache. Instead of visiting my sweet, handsome son, I turned around and drove away.

For anyone going through grief, I see you. I am in it with you. It’s a nightmare. I am learning so many things through this journey. I am realizing how strong I am, the glory only given to God. I am learning how to lean on others because I could never, ever do this alone. I am learning what helps and what hinders when you are helping someone who is hurting and grieving. I will use this knowledge to help others when I am needed. I’m slowly working some things out with God and am working so hard to lean on HIM when I feel like I’m drowning, which seems to be all the time. There’s a song on my playlist and it says “The bigger the love the harder you fall…and I’m crashing through the floor”. These words are true for me. I loved Nick so very, very much and I won’t be ok for quite some time. That’s ok because I’m also learning to give myself some grace. So, give yourself some grace too, friend. We will get through this together and we will see our loved ones again, if you are a believer in God. It will be a wonderful day and I am counting down those days!