I'm Fine, How Are You??

I am about to share my very personal experience with anxiety.  I am not searching for sympathy.  I AM hoping you will read it and if you or anyone you know suffers, please, know you are not alone and somebody (me) understands.   I am currently suffering from debilitating anxiety that is mentally and physically wearing me out.  Words are hard to find to explain the experience but I am going to do my very best and I hope it will help at least one person get through their day because someone is speaking up for them when they don’t have the words or the strength to speak up for themselves.  I feel very vulnerable sharing this but I feel it is so important. 

As I venture out, I meet someone I know.  I smile my best smile as they say to me “Hi Missy! How are you?”.   Here is what my mind is almost screaming:

As a matter of fact, friend, I am not fine.  I am so scared!  I’m scared of EVERYTHING.  It took me an hour of pacing around my house today just to get up the courage to leave.  I have been suffering for weeks from anxiety and as each day passes, it gets harder for me to leave my house because it’s getting harder for me to pretend I’m fine.

My sense of security has completely left me.  At this very moment, the world and people in it seem very unsafe to me.  The news on T.V. and social media is a constant reminder that I am not safe.  I feel my kids aren’t safe.  I had to make a minor decision today that seemed HUGE to me.  My son asked if he could go to a friends’ house to spend the night.  In my heightened state of anxiety, my mind is telling me he could get hurt or get into a scary situation if I am not there with him.  I let him go.  I am now a nervous wreck hoping he will be ok.  I have to remind myself that he is with a family I trust and this is just my brain tricking me.  So I say this to myself over and over again…He is safe….He is safe…

I have a son in the Army.  He will be deployed soon and I’m miserable with fear.  I get encouragement all the time from others who have had or currently have children in the military.  I am so very grateful for their support.  They tell me he will be fine and to give him to God because God will take care of him.  In this heightened state of anxiety, I am struggling to believe what they say.  The mind is a very complicated thing and I am stuck inside, fighting against mine.   To say this is the tip of the iceberg, is saying the very least.  The fear of death and sickness overwhelms me as my anxiety grips me around my neck to the point I physically cannot breath through the full blown anxiety attacks I experience.

I have fears about this upcoming school year.  Will my son be safe as he plays football?  Will my daughter be safe while she experiences her first year of cheerleading?  Will they struggle with mean kids?  Will they lose their innocence or will they have experiences this year that will bruise their self esteem?  These are things I cannot control, yet my mind becomes obsessive with these worries.  I have to repeatedly tell myself I will deal with these situations if they come.  I want to enjoy the moment, LIVE in the moment and I am frustrated because I can’t.

There are many fears that aren’t rational.  These fears are tricks and lies my brain is telling me and it gets hard to distinguish the truth from the lies.  If I could sleep, I think that would help a little, but my body and mind won’t relax.  I will sleep an hour here or half hour there but not enough to relax.  My jaws are killing me from grinding my teeth.  I am irritable and emotional.  My body shakes and panic attacks are a possibility at all times.

Soon, hopefully very soon, I will get relief and go back to less anxiety but until then, I will continue to force myself to leave my house, I will tell myself I and my family are safe and I will flash that smile as I am asked how I am and I will respond with “I’m fine and how are YOU?”