I'm Only Human-Parenting

I used to carry the heaviest burden on my shoulders and it weighed me down like carrying rocks in a backpack and this burden was mom guilt.  I’ve done things as a parent I regret.  I’ve been divorced, I’ve yelled, been way to over-protective, didn’t protect them enough, I’ve taken shortcuts, sobbed in front of my kids, walked out of church and started my car before I realized I forgot one, etc, etc, etc.

I tried so hard to be a good mom so when I messed up, I would beat myself up and I would say horrible things to myself.  I compared my parenting to others and that, my friends, is toxic and I encourage you to NOT. DO. THAT.  Trying to get myself and 4 kids ready for church on Sunday mornings is an example that pops up immediately in mind.  I’d try to put myself together while brushing a little girls tangled hair and making sure everyone was dressed and fed. Then WE would sit in the car with 3 impatient kids, waiting for that one child that ALWAYS kept us waiting and yelling at everyone in the process.  We would show up at church with smiles on our faces, saying thank you as the older ladies would compliment me on how well behaved my children were.  I would look around at other moms who looked like they had it all together and wonder what the heck I was doing wrong all the while telling everyone how “fine” I was and putting on my church face.

As kids get older, parenting gets a little more complicated.  I found it hard to decide if I should let my teenager go to a sleepover when I knew there was a good possibility there would be alcohol involved.  I would have panic attacks after dropping one off for a week long camp hoping all the adults were responsible people and would take excellent care of my child.  Should I or shouldn’t I let them stay the night with a friend while I don’t know the parents well?

So, I was a little over-protective sometimes.  As I look back now, I know some of this stemmed from my childhood.  I don’t dwell on the scary stuff very often but sometimes it creeps in when I don’t want it to.  I feel this is where the over-protective tendencies come from.  I was so scared something bad would happen to my kids and that thought PARYLIZED me.  Then one day I found out something horrible DID happen and I dropped my basket for a while.  I fell into a depression and didn’t deal well for a couple of years.  I was trying so hard to protect them and it wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t enough.

I love being a mom.  I have loved my kids, nourished them, cuddled them often, read bedtime stories, prayed with them every night, sacrificed my wants and needs so their wants and needs could be met, disciplined them and took care of them at the best of my ability.  I made so many mistakes along the way but I did the best I could possibly do all the while, trying to overcome my past and trying to keep it from affecting my kids.  I failed sometimes.

One of my adult kids recently told me he felt I was to blame for the bad choices he made because I was too over-protective when he was growing up.  It stung.  The world was silent for a moment while my heart sank.  I immediately started thinking I had been a horrible mother and I had failed.  As I had time to absorb it later, I decided to not let those words crush me.  Though my parenting definitely affected him in both positive and negatives ways, I am not to blame for the choices of others.

I taught my children right from wrong.  I feel a sign of maturity is taking responsibility for your own choices.  It takes time to mature and realize your choices are yours and yours alone.  We can choose to blame others and hold grudges or we can choose to realize we made those mistakes and bad choices and then we can choose to move on.  We can make amends to those we have hurt and walk along our side of the road with a clear conscience.

I truly hope my parenting was acceptable more than not.  I hope my kids grow to be independent and respectful adults.  Parents aren’t perfect.  I was a child once with my own struggles, I am a woman with my own scars and I make mistakes daily.  This parenting gig does not come with instructions so get rid of the guilt and don’t second guess yourself.  We are not only parents, we are human.