I Dropped My Basket

If you follow my blogs, you know I’m a very honest person.  Sometimes to a fault.  I talk about things that may bite me in the trunk someday but I do it because I want others to know they are not alone in this crazy walk through life.  In this post, I want to share about how I dropped my basket for a few years. It was ugly, miserable, lonely and hard on me and my family.  I also want to share my experience of hope an healing! It’s possible and how you can come out of that dark place with experience and lessons that can and probably will be used for the good later on is pretty cool.

I struggled with some major depression for a few years.  I can’t tell you how miserable it was and I almost didn’t make it through.  I tried to take my life a few times and I took up drinking and drinking ALOT.  The drinking and depression affected my daily life and there were days I couldn’t function.  I missed out on a lot of activities and missed out on a lot of memories that I will never get back. I always took pride in being a mom so the guilt ate me up and I hated myself for something happening to me that I had no control over.

One of my favorite movies is Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.  I have watched that movie so many times I have lost count.  I relate to so many things in that movie.  The main character suffered from depression during the early years of her marriage and as she was raising her kids.  She drank to drown the pain and later she wrestled with some major guilt.  In the movie she described her depression by saying she “dropped her basket”.  I like that.   Like me, she had a few friends who stuck by her through those hard times and ended up being life long friends…sisters.

I found a counsellor, hunkered down and worked very, very hard for a few years.  I dealt with some serious childhood trauma, some recent traumatic experiences that had happened around the time of my breakdown, using alcohol as a coping mechanism and some MAJOR self image issues.  We had to completely reboot my brain, if you will.  Between that wonderful counsellor and God, who had a plan all along, I dug myself out of the whole that was swallowing me up.  It was gradual and I am still working on it, but I am nowhere near where I was.

I feel a huge factor in recovering was my attitude.  I WANTED to face these demons and overcome.  I WANTED to NOT be a victim and use that as a crutch.  It was very, very uncomfortable dealing with my ego and realizing the victim mentality was my choice because I could blame others for my problems and shift the responsibility and power to the people that had hurt me. Not only was my attitude an issue but I had a chemical imbalance. Medication was a necessity.

I have been told by others that not only my personality has changed but my physical appearance has changed.  I have learned to set boundaries.  I am ok with turning away from people who are toxic or people who don’t make an effort in having a relationship with me, even if it’s family.  I know I deserve better.  I don’t have a problem with alcohol.  I can take it or leave it.  I laugh more and enjoy life.  I love making others laugh and I have amazing friends that love me and make time for me.  I can use my experience to help others and I love doing that.  Instead of automatically blaming others for how I’m feeling, I try to find my part in it…not all the time but I try.  I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF.

I still get down.  As a matter of fact, I have been feeling down for a couple of weeks.  But I don’t let it consume me.   I still suffer from depression and I am not here to judge and am definitely not saying ALL will recover and it’s your fault if you don’t.  But there IS hope.  Trust in the Lord if you believe and if you don’t, contact me and I will be more than happy to share with you the hope you can have through him.  If you don’t suffer from a mental health issue, please be patient with those who do.  Love on them and let them know they are loved.  Be Kind.  Hugs to you all!!