Keeping My Anger In Check

I remember, in my younger years, when I felt anger, I didn’t know how to express it without getting into trouble, so I held it in.  In my mid to late teens, with the help of puberty and hormones, my anger exploded…all the time…all over anyone and everyone that looked at me wrong or said something that touched on one or more of my many insecurities.   I have always written in journals and I have kept all of them from middle school to the present and when I read the old, yellowing pages from my teen journals, I can now identify some serious depression going on back then.  Depression is anger turned inward meaning if you bottle up your emotions, there will eventually be explosions.  So, I guess you could explain my teen years as a minefield!

When dealing with bi polar, anger is one of the symptoms people avoid talking about because it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing.  Everyone gets angry but in my experience, the bi polar anger is something that takes years to learn how to control.  I haven’t mastered it yet but I am told it’s gonna happen!  Impulsive actions and reactions are a constant struggle with bi polar and when someone with bi polar is trying to control their anger WHILE struggling with controlling their impulsive thoughts and actions, a storm can brew very, very quickly.

Currently, I am struggling with a few bi polar symptoms that make each day long and exhausting.  A recipe for anger soup is building as we add to those symptoms, a few overwhelming daily and life stresses that are constantly on my mind…pressure is building….add in a few surprises like last minute requests to run to the store at 8:00 p.m.  to fetch supplies for a school project due the next day or a (perceived) snide comment from the husband….more pressure building…..physical pain and health issues….an explosion from all the pressure will commence in 3, 2, 1…..

When I am at the end of my rope with depression, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and worries, daily pressures, physical pain and unexpected surprises, I snap at people and say things I regret.  I tend to not participate in going places with my family and I avoid social interaction.  Every sound seems loud and obnoxious to me and I am annoyed easily.  Guilt overwhelms me because I know I am not pleasant to be around.  The anger is so impulsive and it’s so hard to control and THAT makes me angry!

So, what can be done?  At this point I just have to be aware of the anger and try my best to be conscious of my words and actions and just do my best to control it.  If I fail, then I need to apologize to whomever I unleash on and hope they forgive me.  Try to do better next time.  I also need to talk about all the things that are bothering me so they are not festering.  This is hard for me sometimes because I withdraw emotionally when I am overwhelmed.  I need to remind myself over and over again…This too shall pass..and it will!