Mom Fails and Brain Injuries

Parenting Fail….Bad Mom…..What Am I Doing Wrong….

These are all phrases I’ve heard people say and are statements I’ve read on social media within the past few days by people I know personally. These thoughts have actually been running through my own head these past few weeks as well so lets spill the tea (new phrase I learned from my teens this week and wanted to use it in a sentence…CHECK!). I think I’ll start by sharing what’s been going on in my house the past couple months and the many reasons why I feel all the phrases above apply to me.

There I was, 2 months ago….snapchatting a video of my 15 year old boy, riding his dirt bike. He’s popping wheelies, jumping it, riding too fast for my comfort and doing this fun little trick of standing up on the seat while riding through a field. The caption on my video says “He’s going to hate the conversation we are going to have later”.  I told him that night that he needs to keep his butt on the seat while riding that bike and slow it down or I’m going to set it on fire.

Fast forward 1 week later.  I receive an email from a teacher on a Monday morning stating he thinks my son has a concussion and is acting weird.  He states that after some investigation and talking to my son’s friends, he found out my dare devil had wrecked his dirt bike the night before.  I was pretty alarmed and scared when I laid eyes on him 10 minutes later. I took him to urgent care and he was diagnosed with a concussion and whiplash.

A week goes by, he was not getting better.  Memory was horrible, splitting headache, extremely unsteady physically, confused, couldn’t read, sensitive to light and not acting like himself.  This went on for a few weeks and after several doctors appointments, we were finally sent to a local rehabilitation facility that specializes in brain trauma and was told he had a significant traumatic brain injury and needed speech and occupational therapy.

He has only been to school 2 days this year.  These past couple of months have been a nightmare.  There are soooooo many reasons I feel I have failed as a mom and so many decisions I wish I would have made that would have gotten him help sooner.  I’m still in mama bear mode and am struggling with the decisions of what I should let him do and where I should stand my ground and say no.  My husband and I are on totally different planes when it comes to making these decisions and that has caused many disagreements.  He feels I’m holding on too tight and I feel he is too lenient and is letting him do things that could cause more harm to his precious brain.

Probably one of the most scary moments of this whole experience was when the brain specialist looked my son straight in the eyes and told him that he would have for sure died without that helmet….I physically felt a punch in my gut.  For a brief moment, I heard nothing, the world stopped spinning and I caught myself not breathing.

This boy is my buddy, my comedian, my mini me. I carried him in my body, grew him, fell in love with him the second I found out he existed.  I now don’t want to let him out of my sight.  I want to watch his every move, protect him every second of the day, keep him safe.  But I can’t.  I have to let him live and I panic and secretly sob every time I let him do something.  As I type this, I am struggling to breathe and my throat is tight and I feel like sobbing.  I feel isolated and I feel like nobody understands me and how I feel and how scared I truly am.

So, all in all, I feel I am doing everything wrong.  As I read and listen to other parents (mostly moms) expressing how inadequate they feel, I want to grab them and embrace them and tell them that they are doing their best and they are enough and they are not alone! If you are doubting yourself and you feel like you are hanging on by a little thread, please know there are so many of us that feel the same way.  Let’s keep encouraging each other.  Pray for each other.  It takes a village you guys.  Hugs to each of you.