Reflection In The Mirror-Cupcakes VS Gym

When you look in the mirror, what are some of the thoughts that immediately come to mind about yourself?  If I were to guess, my guess would be a majority of you are a tad too hard on yourselves.

If you can look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate your beauty, I am very proud of you!  I know who you are because your confidence shines so bright it touches everyone you come into contact with.  You are setting an example for your daughters that will produce secure women someday and you are more than likely the woman who encourages others to stop putting themselves down and points out every single good quality they have.  I love you for that.

You may not even be 100% confident but you have accepted the things you don’t like, you love yourself and you hold your head up high as you march out that front door saying not today satan, not today!

For many years, I was overweight and I not only disliked what I saw in the mirror, I flat out avoided the mirror.  I’m 5″1′ so I don’t carry extra weight well.  It doesn’t take long to physically notice that I’ve gained a few pounds.  I wore size 14 jeans for several years and I felt frumpy and tried to wear clothes that I thought were hiding the spare tire I was sporting but according to the camera, I was mistaken.  I cringed at pictures of myself and I still look at old pictures and wonder how the heck I allowed myself to get that big.

Last year, thanks to an amazing, all natural product my sister introduced me to, I lost weight.  My size 14 shorts were practically falling off of me so my daughter and I decided it was time for me to get some that fit.  I picked up a pair of 12’s and headed to the dressing room. Wow. Too big.  Like wayyyy too big!  I asked my daughter to grab a size 10….too big.   I  stared at the tag for a minute thinking I was reading it wrong.  I said to my daughter, “Uhhh, Hailee, I think I need you to grab me a size 8”.  Ya’ll….the size 8 fit! MIND.BLOWN.

Hailee and I hooped and hollered, jumped up and down and probably freaked out every single shopper in that entire Old Navy store.  I walked out of that store super proud of myself, filled with pure pride and confidence I hadn’t felt in years!  I hadn’t been a size 8 since high school people!  I felt amazing that entire summer and fall and I didn’t mind my picture being taken.   A new sense of pride filled me up as I was finally looking at myself in the mirror, wearing clothes that complimented my thin frame and I physically felt better than I had in a long, long time.

The holidays came rolling around along with the comfort food I have always adored and I quickly fell into my previous eating habits.  The New Year came and went and I got back to eating healthier but was having a few more cheat days than I had before.  I gained a little but I was still at a weight I hadn’t been for many years.  Very, very slowly, I gained a pound here and a pound there.  I quit the product I was taking that helped me feel better and assisted in my weight loss.  I wasn’t weighing myself because I tend to get a little obsessed but noticed my clothes were getting tighter and tighter.  It is now March of the next year and I am back to my original jean size.

Shattered.  I feel shattered.  I experienced being thin and I think that’s why this is hitting me so hard.  I haven’t had energy so just the thought of going to the gym exhausts me.  I come home, cook dinner, straighten up the house then sit and watch “My 600 Pound Life” and wonder if that will be me soon.  This winter has been a rough one weather wise and I think that may have a little to do with my low energy and add to this, the seasonal depression I experience every year….sloth comes to mind.

I’ve had 2 people tell me this past week I am too hard on myself and I need to stop putting myself down.  I get what they are suggesting but putting it into action is sooooo hard because I am devastated at my weight gain.  I think some depression has knocked me off my game.

So, I have shared with you the story of this pitty party I have been attending, getting drunk on my negative thoughts, eating up my self confidence until the plate is empty and inviting others to this party with my critical words when they don’t even want to attend this crappy party because they are smart enough to know that hangovers are a pain in the money maker!

So, what am I going to do?  Well, I don’t know yet but I know where to start.  I need to keep in mind the truth that I am uniquely fashioned and loved by the Almighty God.  These words are true and I will write them down and slap it on my mirror so when I force myself to look in that said mirror, I will see those words.

I will work harder at eating cleaner and getting my butt out of the house and to the gym. When my husband lovingly asks if I want to go to the gym with him (because he has to listen to my complaining and is sick of it) I won’t look at him as if he were the broccoli I want to give to my dog instead of the cupcake I want to shove into my pie hole, I will say “Sure! Where are my shoes?”  Winter will surely end soon (currently snowing AGAIN and ticking me off) and this will lead to sunlight and warmth which will lead to energy, happiness and activity.

Whether I lose weight or not, I hope I can learn to accept myself and love myself and become comfortable in my own skin.  I want to set a good example for my daughters.  I want to use the mirror as a tool to check for toilet paper hanging out the back of my jeans instead of seeing it as an enemy.  And I hope for all of these things for you as well.  Not today, Satan…not today.