See You Later, My Precious Boy

I have always heard from more seasoned parents that you aren’t supposed to be best friends with your kids. I tried. I really did. Nick had a way of making everyone his best friend, including his mama. He was always an old soul. We said that all the time when he would give us those looks as a baby like he knew all the answers to life but didn’t have to vocabulary to tell us. He always wanted to be with my husband and I as a little one. When we would leave him with a sitter or even family, he would cry and cry. Besides that, he was always so laid back and chill.

As he grew into a toddler and then into his elementary years, he would take toys apart and put them back together, play for hours with his farm set..pulling tractors on little trailers and concentrating so hard on how they moved and turned. He was always so loving and cuddly. He held tight to my leg when I dropped him off for Kindergarten. He didn’t want me to leave him. I made it to my car before I cried my eyes out. Later in life, he became a farmer and played with the real-life trucks and tractors and loved every minute of it.

As he grew to pre-teen and teen, we were amazed at his natural abilities and craftiness. He would make homemade knifes out of large pieces of metal, make paracord handles and they were beautiful. He went through a phase where he was making wallets and other things out of leather. He learned to ride a dirt bike and did all kinds of tricks on it. It seemed there was nothing he couldn’t do. Whatever he attempted, he excelled at. In 2019, he wrecked that dirt bike and got a brain injury. After about a year and a half, he started to get better but still suffered from some symptoms of that injury. He suffered from some depression he didn’t have before the accident, and he had some learning/reading issues. All in all, he was doing pretty well though! We were so proud of his progress.

He started coming out of his shell and getting more and more outgoing. Nick had a large friend circle. He didn’t care if you were popular, unpopular, nerd, pot smoker or any other “label” kids put on each other. You were his friend. And if you bullied someone, he would call you out. If you were bullied or having family or life problems, he would be there for you, no matter the time of the day or night. He took the burden off of you and put those burdens on his shoulders.

I loved our relationship. He would karaoke with me in our living until the early hours of the morning. We would have the best talks. He was like me……honest, real and loved to serve people. He was also like me where he didn’t care if he made an idiot out of himself. If he could make you laugh, all bets were off. He was a good time guy. I related to him so much and I felt like he was being honest with me and telling me when things got too hard. I would always talk to him about how dangerous it was to drink when you were down or depressed. I’ve been there. The combination almost killed me a few times. I made sure he knew that. But, when someone always has a smile and seems fine, you tend not to worry about them. Another thing we had in common.

A few weeks ago, we had plans to go camping. We had just moved Nick into his house for college and he had started school that week. He came home on Friday and he was going to stay home from camping because he had gotten his auctioneering license and had a couple of auctions that weekend. He was so excited about his auctioneering and for his future. When he walked in the house that Friday, my daughter and I were preparing to leave to go camping. I didn’t want to go camping anymore because I missed my boy and wanted to spend the weekend with him. My husband was already down there camping and my other son and his family were meeting us there that night. I hugged my boy, told him I loved him and off we went. I had a bad attitude that night and even cried a little because I missed my son and wanted to spend time with him.

A couple of days later on Sunday, my daughter and were about an hour ahead of my husband coming home. He was pulling the camper and I wanted to get home to catch Nick before he left for school. I was so excited to see his jeep in the driveway when we pulled up. I literally RAN in to the house calling his name. I have no clue why I went straight to the bathroom in my office but as I approached the bathroom, I saw that the door had been damaged. My first thought was he had some drinks the night before and things got out of hand. I opened the door and saw my sweet, precious boy on the bathroom floor with a gun shot wound to his head. The WORST day of my life. This is where my life shatters.

Today as I type this, it’s been 3 weeks since I lost my precious boy. I’m so lost without him in my life. I am still in shock that he will never come home again. I’m so angry that he chose to drink and make that split decision, not as himself but with his brain altered. I wish I would have stayed home that weekend. I wish he would have told me what he was dealing with. I’m praying the answer comes forth. Maybe there are no answers. He took a piece of me with him that I don’t think I will ever get back. Sometimes I sob. Sometimes I scream. Sometimes I stare in to space. Sometimes I sit in his room, smelling his pillow and talk to him like he is sitting beside me. Sometimes my brain goes into denial and I seem ok. But I’m not ok.

Losing a child has got to be the worst pain I have ever felt. I can’t escape the sadness. It’s constantly with me. He left a mark on people and this town in the short 18 years he graced this planet. We had over 1700 people at his visitation. I heard so many stories of all of the amazing things he did from anonymously paying for meals everywhere he went, taking up for people, listening when someone needed a friend and many more. His funeral service was so amazing and was such a testament to his precious life.

I don’t know where to go from here. I do know that I have a daughter at home who needs me. My husband needs me. I have 2 other children that have their own children that need their mother and grandmother. Honestly, there are many days where I wouldn’t mind if God took me Home to be with Him. I am not sure if my laugh will ever be genuine again. I don’t know if I will ever feel fully myself again or if I will ever recover from this. The only hope I have is I have faith that I will see my son again because he loved Jesus and thankfully, our salvation is not based on what we do. All we have to do is believe Jesus died on the cross for us and accept Him as our Lord and Savior. My son loved Jesus and never denied God. I will see my son again.

Please watch your kids close. We have had several suicides in our family and our town and I thought I was being cautious and vigilant. Our kids never tell us EVERYTHING. They hide feelings. They choose other ways to deal with their feelings and some of those ways are dangerous..even deadly. To the doctors that dropped my son when they deemed him recovered from his brain injury, never checking up on him or warning us on depression issues that go along with brain injuries….you will be hearing about my son….even if it’s on the White House steps while I make changes on how we deal with the cracks TBI patients fall through.

To all you mama’s out there that have had the heartbreak of losing a child, I feel you and am in it with you. To all of you out there who have suicidal thoughts or are feeling down and have no clue what to do.,,, Call 988. This is the new suicide hotline and they can help you. Get into counseling. Talk to an adult you trust. I love you.