The Choice of Change

During the years of raising kids, I heard older, more seasoned people say things like “Enjoy the now, life flies by before you know it”, “Enjoy those kids, they will be grown in the blink of an eye” and “It seems like yesterday..”.   I would half listen, nod and smile while wrestling a cranky baby, yawning and dazed because I hadn’t slept for 2 days or pinching snot with my fingers off a toddlers nose then wiping it on my jeans.

I now know that time DOES fly by, the kids DO grow in a blink of an eye and it really does seem like yesterday, all of it.  So, now what?  I am 43 years old, I have two kids left in the home but they are self sufficient and don’t need me near as much as they used to.  At night, everyone is doing their own thing or spending the night at a friends house and my home is so quiet, it’s almost deafening.  With this quiet, a few things are nagging at me.  1) What makes me happy other than all things that involve my kids?  2) What do I need to do to eliminate the negative that makes me unhappy?  3) Am I living life to the fullest and if not, what do I need to change so that I am?

I’ve recently decided it’s time to focus on me.  After all these years of raising kids and trying to please so many people, I have lost sight of who I am and what makes me happy.  Focusing on ourselves is not selfish and some of the changes I have decided to make benefits others and contributes to their happiness as well.  Here are some things I am working on and if you feel you need to make changes, you can use some of these or you can come up with your own list.

I will be kinder to myself.  Saying negative things about myself, either in my head or out loud is unacceptable.  I don’t like the message it sends my kids, especially my daughter and most of what I say is a big, fat lie.  I would never call up my best friend and tell her she’s fat, unlovable, a bad mom, a horrible wife or tell her she is a failure.  Never.  So why is it ok to say it to myself?  It’s not.   This habit  hard to stop and it takes a lot of practice.  I lost a lot of weight last year and felt so confident.  I have been gaining the weight back these past few months and going from feeling confident to avoiding mirrors has been pretty hard on me.  I have been saying some pretty horrible things to myself.  My husband tells me he loves me no matter what size of jeans I am wearing.  I need to work on looking in the mirror and seeing myself through my husbands eyes.

 I will think before I react.  Impulsive reaction is a major weakness of mine.  When I’m hurt, I respond with anger.  Unless we live under a rock, we will deal with people daily and people will disappoint us, let us down and hurt our feelings.  How we respond says a lot about us.  We can let it take us under or we can learn and move on.  If I lose it and react in a way I’m not proud of, I know it because it bothers me and I keep replaying the situation in my head.  I feel better if I apologize and make it right.

I will create boundaries.  I am a people pleaser.  It sounds like a good thing but sometimes it bites me in the butt.  In order to please someone, I will put myself second and after a while, I feel defeated and I don’t know why.  Or I will go out of my way to help someone and find I am stressed out because I ran out of time and/or energy to carry out my own responsibilities.   If I do for others constantly, I start feeling like I’m not important enough to others to receive the same courtesies.   In reality, I did this to myself because I created expectations of others and I don’t have control over anyone’s actions but my own.  Those are expectations that are sure to set myself up for disappointment.

I will push through my fears.  I struggle with anxiety and sometimes it is debilitating.  I feel like I have missed out on so much due to fear and this anxiety disorder.  Recently, I have tried new things that scared the living day lights out of me but I made it through and each experience gave me confidence to try the next thing.  I can’t take full credit for this decrease in anxiety.   I was recently prescribed a medication for my migraines and it’s playing a part in my feeling better but as I’ve tried new things, I still feel scared and would have normally chickened out but I didn’t let the fear stop me.  My faith is helping me the most.  I wasn’t trusting that God has my back.  Praying, devotionals and talking with my christian friends who are honest and encouraging has helped me tremendously.

  I will surround myself with positive people.  If I am surrounded by negative, it’s hard to stay positive.  It’s exhausting to me to listen to complainers and people who blame every bad experience on others, though in reality, they brought it on themselves.  It brings me down when I want to spend time with someone and they never have time for me.  I get tired of listening to people gossip about others and I leave the conversation feeling bad because I played a part in allowing it to happen or I put my two cents worth in.  It encourages me to spend time with christian women who I know will pray for me when I’m struggling and who will give me solid, christian advice to help me make decisions I can live with.  I love hanging out with people who always see the bright side.  All of the above, I have control over.  I can choose who I hang out with.  I can choose who I don’t hang out with.  Whether it be family or friends, I can identify who has a positive influence on me and who brings me down.  I don’t need a huge circle of friends.  I’m happy with a few people who love me and bring out my fabulous.

These are things I will constantly work on and will probably never completely master.  But I can set goals and do the best I can.  I hope people who love me and want to see me succeed will keep me accountable.   I am 43 years old and am realizing that life is short and I don’t have time to waste on fears, negativity and pride.  I will not focus on what others think of me, I will focus on what I think of me.  In closing I leave you with this:

“Know who you are, know what you want, know what you deserve, and don’t settle for less.”  Tony Gaskins

“Let your light shine before others” Matthew 5:16